The power of letting go

As I write this post, I just have to warn you my head is literally all over the place with millions of thoughts swimming through my mind at a nano second so if I digress please bear with me.

To say the last few weeks have been a challenge is a complete understatement. As I write this my head keeps replaying the episode I just had with a really old white lady who smelled like she had soiled her pants. I was sitting comfortably at Exclusive Books, reading Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie with a cup of tea, desperately seeking some peace and quiet and the chance to clear my head. Perhaps I was sitting a little too comfortably as I had my feet perched up on the leather seat, the little old lady who smelled like poop ended up sitting right next to me and felt it pertinent to tell me that I should move my feet as I was going make her pants dirty! I looked at her, taking in the pink blush she had applied to her wrinkled and cracked cheeks, then I responded by saying that my feet were far from her pants and that her pants were already dirty! "You people do whatever you want, don't you?" She retorted. I followed her comment with a simple Yes.

I had to accept some truths about life, people and about myself. I have learnt several things about myself this weekend. Firstly, I have built up quite a reputation for being a "yes man", secondly I am compassionate to a fault and lastly I hold on to things and people unnecessarily.

I am the reliable friend, if you are in a bind, need to be picked up, got your keys locked in the car, I am probably one of the first people you will think to call. I am happy to help where I can, yes sometimes I will make an unhappy face, but I will be there. So that obviously means a lot of saying yes and people not understanding when I have to say no. Me saying no then often leads to my conscience plaguing me like a stuck record with the words "you really could have said yes" tormenting me!

The problem is I am just as tormented when I have agreed to offer my time, energy and effort and be there to support my "person" in distress. The words that haunt me in this instance are "why did you say yes?"! Reason being is I have a very independent spirit and I have always believed that if I want something done I have to do it myself, help is something I don't even know how to ask for! It's never something I have ever known how to do.I know I'm writing in a very circular way but like I said please bear with me.

I said "yes" several times this weekend when I really should have said no, emphatically so! The result was I spent the whole weekend feeling drained physically and emotionally, angry with myself and questioning my decisions.

I looked for the root of my compulsive yes man syndrome and its because I'm compassionate and nurturing by nature. Seeing someone I care about struggle, suffer, or go through something painful is not something I can ever be ok with, especially if I can help even in a small way. It just pains me to my soul that my compassion and nurturing spirit is seldom returned and is often taken advantage of. As was the case this weekend on several occasions which I will not get into. In fact the last few months if I am truly honest have just been a kick to the groin!

Because of my "yes man" syndrome and my fault-riddled compassion I have been holding onto things and people for so long. Things and people who let go of me a long time ago. Friends, family, harsh words exchanged, incidents where no regard was had for my feelings, regrets, I could go on forever.

I'm done with living in my misery. I'm done feeling guilty about saying no, I'm done being angry with myself for the times I have said yes when I should have said no, I'm tired of giving myself to people and situations where my feelings are of little or no concern, I'm done with self-sacrificing and I'm done fighting with racist old ladies who reek of shit... or sitting next to them for that matter!

I am choosing to just let go of all of the unnecessary and be selfish with myself,  my time, my efforts, my love, my life...

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That's the thing about love

"Oh, tell me that I am not the only one going through it all? Oh, sometimes I feel like I'm the only one going through it all!"... A line from one of my favourite Alicia Keys' songs "That's the thing about Love". This love thing though! It's just such a source of confusion at this stage in my life. Perhaps let me clarify what I mean, I am confused about this elusive 'romantic love' thing, I have plenty of love in my life from my family and friends right down to my job and my interests outside of my 9 to 5 and of course the greatest love of all, God. Its just this romantic love thing, I simply don't get it.

I have a few friends who are in the throws of this interesting stage of life where they are past the age of 25, single, career-focused and happy but if Prince Charming showed up on his white horse tomorrow, honestly, at this stage just any plain old white vehicle... in fact just a vehicle, they would give away all of that single girl freedom just to experience a real and true love.

I don't want to go into too much detail about myself but I'm torn between three scenarios. An awesome man who truly loves me, a charming unconventional man who comes with some very unconventional circumstances whom I can see myself being madly in love with and Myself, holding on to the person I have spent so long developing and nurturing whom I quite simply don't want to let go of!

None of these scenarios ever played out in my head when I imagined my fairytale love story and what my life would be like at 28 years old. I find myself going through the most random Google searches with even stranger results... "How do you know if he is the one?", "How to date an older man?"... I mean??? What I think I want versus What I actually need!

This post isn't about getting answers or giving advice, it's just a tiny SOS from my heart to the ears of heaven.

If all else fails I can carry on pouring my love out the best way I know how... shoes!

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I finally did it...

So I finally cut my hair! I finally did the BC and funny enough it wasn’t nearly the harrowing experience I had thought it would be when I first started toying with the idea  of chopping off my locks. I cut it in early January but because I was changing jobs and I didn’t want to grow this change while changing jobs, so I had some braids in.

Brand New Me



My "in the meantime look" before I let my hair out



I am super happy with how it turned out and I love my new look.

For one of those days at work...

I am having one of those weeks at work where you don't even know whether you are coming or going. We are currently caught in a rainstorm of deals that must close within the month. That means a lot of late nights, it doesn't help that I don't feel too great healthwise...

 

So today I am not going to talk about my hair or my dreams...

 

I just want to say that I really don't like my job today... that's all!

 

 

This too shall pass...

To my niece...

Dear Soraya... you don't have an official name yet but this was my pick so for now that's what I will call you

 

Today is your grand debut into this world, excited doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. I haven't even met you yet but my heart is literally bursting with love for you. I can't wait to see your sweet little face and hold you in my arms. I can't wait to watch you grow and to see you flourish into a woman of grace and integrity. Know that you are adored beyond all measure.

 

You don't know it yet but I am your very cool aunt. I am going to spoil you rotten and we are going to be bosom buddies. Sleepovers, manicures and pedicures, shopping trips, overseas trips, hair, make-up and clothes, its going to be great.  Get this, the name which I chose for you actually means "Princess"  or "Gem" in Arabic which is exactly what you are.

 

While you were still in your mommy's belly kicking it, your mom told me that she thinks you may have my personality, wild, crazy and opinionated. That made my heart melt and I immediately felt a deeper sense of responsibility towards you. Then when I found out that you were a girl, I wont lie, I was a bit nervous for you because as a girl life is testing to say the least, the world will try and pull you into all kinds of directions, trying to tell you who and how and what to be.

 

As your aunt, on this day, I want you to know that you can be as beautiful, smart, funny, sweet, ambitious, sensitive or moody as you want to be. I don't ever want you to get caught up in the opinions and views of other people and who they think or tell you that you are or can be... not even me. I don't ever want you to feel confined to any particular way of thinking that isn't entirely your own. You can be anything you want to be and you can do whatever you want to do... provided of course that it will uplift and propel you towards your life's purpose. Know that you are perfect the way you are and that you are more than enough.

 

I am telling you all these things because no one ever said these things to me. I don't want you to go through some of the things I went through. I don't want feelings of insecurity to cripple you the way that they have crippled me. I want you to be confident, brave, strong and committed to the choices you make in life. A life of self-doubt, indecision and anxiety will not be your reality for so long as I can help it. Yes, I will not be able to protect you from everything but I will always try.

 

I want you to know that you are coming into a family that isn't always conventional and we have our hang-ups but it all comes from a place of love. We might not always understand you but we will always care about you and whatever you are going through, you have a big audience! You have two very cool grandparents, a strict but loving Mom, a fun-loving Dad, a stubborn but adoring older brother and a host of aunties, uncles and cousins.

 

Over and above the love you will receive from me and the rest of the family, there is a much bigger, greater love that you are also given freely and that is the love of Jesus. I am going to teach you about who he is and how incredible he is. He is the greatest love you will ever know. He has known you from the time you were formed in your mommy's tummy, he already knows the number of hairs on your head and he is the key to life. He says you are fearfully and wonderfully made, isn't that amazing!

 

I love you so much Princess

 

Love

 

Aunty BeBe

 

xoxo

 

 

Grown Woman Body

So ya'll know that weight has been a contentious issue for me this year right? Bearing that in mind, I have been trying to watch what I eat and not over indulge although I had a massive burger and fries for lunch...Fridays are cheat days. I have been going back and forth about this weight thing in my head, no lie!

 

Truth, there are parts of my body that I don't love... like my belly and my arms... that don't look great right now and could do with some work. I find that because of my honesty about my body hang-ups I end up discovering more and more body parts that I feel are less than great right now, for example my legs. The other day this lady says to me "Wow you have nice big legs". In my mind that is a bit of an oxymoron but the irony is that I have been told that on several occasions by various people... mostly family.

 

In the same week, I was in the canteen at work ordering a salad and one of my colleagues was like "Working on that summer body I see". I shrugged off his comments but he insisted on speaking to me about running and working out, to which I confessed my laziness. He then said to me "wait until your man tells you that you are fat, I am pretty sure you will start running then!" So my response naturally was "I wish a n***** would tell me I am fat!"

 

I went back to my desk and I thought about how "my big legs" were admired by some and hated by others, no wonder I don't always know how to feel about my legs and the rest of my body because so many people are constantly in my ear about body image. Every year I say I am going to take ownership over my body but I don't think my execution of this is anything to write home about.

 

Solution: I need someone in my life to be brutal with me about exercise and have me kicking and screaming with rage as I run up a hill provided of course all remnants of my belly and jiggly arms will be eradicated. I think that is when I'll take my body back from all the thought infiltrators. I am DONE!

 

From one big-legged woman to another, walk with a vengeance!

 

 

*New Feature* Blogger Lust

I have decided to take my passion for blog stalking and make it a feature on my blog. My friends are always asking me where do I find all these cool people on my blog hunts and I actually don't really have a methodology, I just sort of stumble upon them. So I thought why not share links to some awesome reading and even more awesome people.

 

First up and this was a tough choice...

 

*Urban Bush Babes*

 

 

An online publication featuring two best friends and passionistas creating the definitive source for natural hair, fashion, health arts & culture while living in NYC. Nikisha and Cipriana are two amazingly beautiful women with style, grace, edge and the most gorgeous long natural hair. They write openly about what having natural hair means to them and how they navigate their way in this world that has such defined standards of beauty, as natural haired girls.

 

Meet Nikisha...

 

This gorgeous lady speaks so honestly and openly about her life, her beliefs her mistakes and her triumphs and is literally using her life story as a way to help others. She speaks candidly about falling pregnant at 16, being in abusive relationships and wrestling with identity. She shares her triumphs in achieving her Masters degree in Childhood Education, raising her son Jayden and her life with her husband Carl. Here is an extract from the blog about her:

 

Not too long after at the tender age of 16 I became pregnant. Yes, I was 16 and pregnant! My life had spiralled out of control. The dysfunctional family upbringing, the abuse, the rape, having no father around, and the bullying just left me so damaged. All the way through college I was chronically depressed, had anxiety attacks, attempted suicide, and was in and out of dysfunctional, unhealthy, relationships (physical and verbal abuse, cheating). I had no idea who I was so I attached my identity to anything I thought was cool or positive (my Jamaican heritage, my achievements in school, one day I was from the hood, the next day I was into crystals and New Age stuff).

 

Eventually I got tired of the depression, tired of the anxiety and panic attacks, tired of being in dysfunctional relationships, tired of being a lousy mom. I had come to the end of myself and dropped to my knees and cried out to God for help. I asked Him to take all my burdens, I asked Him to open my eyes, and I told Him I would be obedient to what ever He told me. That day changed my life forever. Now I live a life committed to Jesus and I am not ashamed of my messed up past because he has taken it all and has given me more than I deserve. He blessed me with a God fearing husband, my complimentary half whom I admire and respect very much. He has restored my relationship with my son, and now Jaden is thriving like never before and I feel so blessed! God has really used the pain from my past for a purpose and I have learned a lot along the way.

 

 

 

Meet Cipriana...

 

This super cool girl was scouted as a model and has been seen gracing covers, billboards and campaigns including being the face of Cover Girl cosmetics. She is all New York, edgy, cool and sophisticated. Cipriana will represent Carol’s Daughter as their brand ambassador, face of ARDENCY INN cosmetics and GAP’s ‘Back To Blue’ Fall/Winter 2013 Campaign. She gives readers a glimpse of her life in NYC and writes candidly about her adventures in the city.

 

It is the rise after the fall that displays our true will power, failure is a part of life but your journey no matter what it may concern does not stop because of them and as an Urban Bush Babe I feel we can show individuals it is really our “imperfections” and uniqueness that not only make us beautiful but showcase our strength.” -Cipriana

 

 

I am so in love with these two, be sure to check out Urban Bush Babes here, I guarantee to you will not be sorry...

 

XO